Hari Raya 2009

My last entry was a month ago. Wow. So much for wanting to post as much and as fast as, but I remembered me telling someone,'I blog when I have something to blog about'. And today I do have something to blog. It's about Hari Raya. My Hari Raya.

Why? Simple. This year is meaningful. Actually I have forgotten when was the last time I felt excited about Hari Raya, most probably during the times I could still get the hari raya 'angpows'. Hah!

But what I do know is that among the years, I have lost the feeling of excitement. The feeling of joy. The anticipation of 'balik kampung'. I have either forgotten or lost it. I don't know. I remembered on the first day of raya, after the prayers and gathering with the family, I'd just zip out and go watch a movie or something. It didn't mean much to me anymore. I guess I grew out of it.

Until this year. It was different. It meant something.

It's my first raya being married.

Never thought that being married would change so much of my perspective in life and among other things including Hari Raya.

I was excited. I was overjoyed. I couldn't wait to balik kampung. (Albeit at first I was reluctant...heh...didn't want to leave my toys and my new studio...) Hari raya shopping was fun and getting clothes for my other half was satisfying. The raya mood was seeping through my veins and I actually smiled to the thought of singing raya songs. Heck, I even got my students to sing raya songs and do a small show...for me! (well, they came in late and I had to think of some kind of torture...oops...I mean torment...eh...)

My first day of raya was really meaningful. For one I was celebrating it with my new family. We drove back to Rawang a day earlier so we can 'berbuka' together before raya. And the next day I indulge myself to my mother in law's trademark Laksa Johor (which is awesome...). Spent some time with my wife's family and later drove back to Shah Alam where all my sisters planned to meet up around the same time. It was a fantastic day. (Including our photo session...had to do it without help from anyone except a chair...and trying to get the perfect shot...hahahah)

After eating an abundance of food for the whole day...it was the yawning session...rice...not good taking in large amounts.

And some people were still hungry...

Next day we headed off back to my family's hometown, Terengganu. I was excited since bringing home my wife with me and I get a chance to show her where I grew up, played and enjoyed my simple life in Terengganu. And the best thing is she is a big fan of that little eastern state of 'keropok lekor' and Pasar Payang.

The ride was fun, we laughed...we joked...(despite me being the butt of the joke, thanks to my mum...) but I enjoyed it.

We stopped at our old house, mum would tell stories...it was...wholesome...

Next day in Terengganu we went to 6 houses...and thats a record! We stayed for 2 days and headed back to Shah Alam on Thursday. But before we left, the day before we went to pantai Batu Buruk to get a feel of the sand and sea...

It was a beautiful and meaningful trip. My grandparents were happy, my parents enjoyed themselves, my wife was happy meeting my relatives and...me?

I am contented.

Selamat Hari Raya to all.

And hope that your raya is just as meaningful and joyful as mine.

Starcom: The U.S. Space Force

When Starcom: The U.S. Space Force (a cartoon series in the late 80's) aired on the shores of our local television station, I couldn't help but fall in love with it instantly. I became more than just a fan but I was obsessed with the show. I remember it so well among all the shows because it had everything that I was into. And you can't help but become a fan to the fictional characters that was portrayed so well by their voice actors. Every week the Starcom forces would try to outwit and battle the Shadow forces.

I followed the adventures of Dash, Slim and Crowbar (field commanders for the three Starcom factions, the Star Wings, Astro Marines and Starbase Command) every week! My eyes were glued to the tv and tried to take in as much of its story and action as possible. I even taped it on VHS and would watch it countless of times and missing an episode was not an option! Every episode was new and the space battles were some of the most memorable scenes I can remember.

During its run on our networks, the toys came in as well. Sadly during those time, my family wasn't really well off and getting my hands on one of it was...how shall we say, something I can only dream of. Saved as much money and I finally got to buy one figure, and I have it till today aside from its weapons, the figure still looks good.

Wanting the toys so bad, I opt for another way to get it. I built them. Yep. I actually made them from scratch. I borrowed my friend's Starwolf and Starmax Bomber for a day or so and got all the measurements. Using cardboards and what other materials I could find, I made it. I had so much fun building it and working out all the details to work just like the real toys, except that it wasn't waterproof...hahahahaha

The cool thing about the Starcom toys were the Magna-Lock and Power Deploy gimmicks. Which worked with each other to activate weapons and doors. It was fantastic and up till today I still think its awesome. I'm sure that there are those who are fans of the show and totally forgot about it, but all I can say is that I am one of it's fan and forever will be. By luck I managed to get two of the toys which were my favs, the Starwolf (a friend conned me of it) and a Starmax (traded with a neighbour) and after hari raya with some money I managed to get the M6-Railgunner. (If you're wondering what I'm talking about drop by http://www.starcomspaceforce.com which has the most extensive info of the series). As I was growing up, the toys disappeared...and left no trace whatsoever.

A few months ago I manage to get my grubby hands a few of the vehicles and figures. Thanks to a few friends who looked out for me I got hold of the toys that I only dreamed about when I was young. So now I'm on the task of refurbishing these toys and at the moment have finished two of it...

Here were the conditions they were in when I got them (here's two from my collections that is)...

The Starwolf...

The Starmax...

Bad isn't it? Yup..if the toy is more than 10 years and was made in white...this will actually happen...So what did I do? Refurbish them that is...hahahahaha...you see what I've done to them at my other blog:

RK Designs

So there you have it...sometimes, patience is a virtue. After my long wait, I am able to have some of the toys and episodes from one of my favourite shows...

Starcom: The U.S. Space Force

SCRAMBLE!!!!!!

While You Were Away...

Usually when I'm left alone I'd be doing a bunch of stuff while waiting. I think its the 'I-can't-stay-idle' syndrome that I've had ever since I decided not wanting to be lazy anymore. But mind you that I do the occasional laze around sessions which I totally do not move a muscle.

Anyhoo, while I'm downloading some mp3's of an old album that I lost many-many years ago, I was blog hopping. Going to some of my friends blogs and also students (what a way to spend some time...) and at the same time thinking of how to execute my artworks for our Zirkon exhibit (yes...our dean gave us 1 year and as usual, we're doing it last minute...but hey, I was getting married okay...heh...).

I came across my dear sister in law's blog. Her last entry was on the 12th of Aug 2009. I read it and it was a really short entry but somehow it struck a nerve with me. The nerve was struck strikingly hard that it vibrated through my head for quite a while...

She had finished reading a book by Mitch Albom titled 'The Five People You Meet In Heaven'. I have never heard the book but I think I have come across the title somewhere, but she quoted something from the book...

Holding anger is a poison.It eats you from inside.
We think that hating is a weapon that attacks the person who harmed us.
But hatred is a curved blade.
And the harm we do,we do to ourselves.

Those words rang quite true in me.

I guess it hit close to home. Very close.

As some of my friends could attest or vouch, I can be quite temperamental (a nicer way of having trouble with anger management...or...well...you know...). Came to my mind was two incidents that almost cost me a lot of pain being put upon certain individuals. Yes, I was at the verge of slugging them full force on the noggin'.

Actually there was a force that saved me for unleashing my ever expanding rage...hahahaha...yes, I kid you not. And I came to a conclusion that God interrupted me in some way. Saving me and also saving that of those who were nigh close to being clobbered. That got me to thinking, why? Why did God played his hand in it?

Then I remembered a dream I had. The dream involved someone close and has the same temper as me (or maybe more...we never gauged that...haha) but in the dream he was shouting, swearing and was reaaaaalllyyy pissed. And I remember that I felt fear. Is this the feeling people around me get when I get angry?

Then it all came to me. God saved me twice. From actually giving in to my anger. Why? Because I now have someone that I need to take care of. And not just her, but a few people that rely on me. If I actually gave in, the repercussions of my action will not just be on me alone, but all those who I love and care. And that, I am thankfully to Allah the Almighty in saving me.

Alhamdulillah.

As I have always believed, He works in mysterious ways.

Thankfully I saw it before anything that I might regret happened.

And I need to change.

For the better.

What's Up Duck?

Hideeho...how long has it been since my last entry? 3 months? Yup...that's about it. No wonder my wife was complaining that I haven't blogged. Well it's not that I don't want to blog, just didn't have the words to ramble or type about.

Oh yeah...

I got hitched. Yup. Married last July 4th 2009. Heh...it was an amazing journey from the preparations to the day itself. There were a lot of challenges (mainly financials...others were fine) but thankfully with blessing from our parents and Allah the Almighty...we're now husband and wife. Our engagement was on the 10th of May and we had only less than 2 months of wedding preparations. God knows how hectic it was and how trying things was for us. I remember I was missing my dearest fiance since she had to go back to her home in Rawang for the preparations, and there were a few instances that we accidentally hurt each other with words...trust me, no matter how strong you think you are, when your readying for marriage...anything can happen...

It's been a month plus I've been married. Had to make some changes especially to myself and had to adjust to a few things as well. Remember, I'm not alone anymore...I come in a pair...LOL...

Here's some shots of the wonderful and amazing days that me and my wife went through...

Engagment 10th May 2009

Nikah 4th July 2009, 11 a.m.

Reception 4th July 2009, 8.30 p.m.

Bersanding 5th July 2009, 11 a.m.

Who came? A lot of people. And I mean a lot! On my wife's side there was about 1000 people invited and on my side almost that much. But the best thing was those who came were those who are close to my heart. It meant a lot to me for them to be at my ceremony. Close friends, colleagues, ex-colleagues and also our students came. It was magnificent.

My dear students which came...

I was truly honoured by my new family. The whole reception that night was something I never thought I would go through. They have accepted me with open arms and I couldn't ask for more. No matter what, I will never ever forget those two wonderful days where I became more than a man, but someone's husband. A role that I have longed and dreamed for. And I finally am. I know its a big responsibility and I hope that will fit the role and soon another role, a father.

What are my feelings? A mixed and jumble one that is, but its more to happiness...proud that I took the step and joy that I chose well. I thank Allah for what he has given me. Everyday...Every minute.

My wife, my love and my life...Irina Hariati, you are the best decision that I made in my whole entire life. The hurdles that we went through to be together and the life we lived till we met is something that I do not regret going through. If not for the life before us, we would not appreciate each other and love each other as much. I am thankful. I am complete and I am contented. You have given me the world and much more, and I would like to be and to give just as much if not more for you my dearest wife...

So until my next entry...I bid you all adieu...

The new groove has come...and I'm sailing through it with my eyes and heart open...

Its One Of Those Days

Yep...it's one of those days...

What type of day? It's one of those days where you feel blardy lazy to do anything but just sit back and ogle at emptiness. Well, not emptiness...its just the empty windows that you open up. There are things on those windows...blogs, facebook, wookiepedia (its a Star Wars thing...) and forums...but it still seems empty...

Wonder why...

Maybe it's due to not being able to sleep last night. It was hot, I was sweaty and God knows how I hate sleeping in sweatiness...lol

Or maybe its the jitters that I'm feeling...wedding jitters they call it...I think. I'm excited and at the same time worried. Yeah...I know I know...the girl I'm going to marry is the most beautiful and fantastic girl any guy can ask for...but I still worry...

It's two months to our wedding...

Anything can happen...they say that there will trials and tribulations during that time. It will test the depth of our love and trust.

They say that once we're engaged, both of us must be weary of what will happen around us. What tests that will be sent to us to face.

They say until we are officially married, the hardest of challenges is getting there...

Hmmm....

They say a lot of things don't they...

For me its pretty simple.

I just want to love her.

I just want to marry her.

I just want to live my life with her.

I just want us to go through the remaining of our lives together...

Pretty simple eh?

Thought so...

You see...They say a lot of things...but in the end its up to you to actually be honest to what we want and be honest and true to one another...

Challenges? Yes...we go through it everyday...

Trials and tribulations? Uh huh...part of living...

So?

Back to what I was saying...it's just one of those days...and all I know after the 10th of May...I will be engaged to the most fantastic girl in the galaxy (too much Star Wars lately)...

I would like to share an SMS I sent to her last Saturday...

' I love you sayang...and there isn't a day that I'm thankful for your love towards me...When we're finally married it will be the happiest day of my life and I know for the rest of my life as well. I love you my dear sweet Irina Hariati, the love and life of my heart and soul...'

Well...here we go to the mushy stuffs...but I like it and I want it to stay this way until whenever...

I'm Getting Married In July!!

Woohoo!!!

Heh...betcha that wasn't the opening some of you might have expected right? Well, its been a long time waiting...

To be honest, there were a lot of ups and downs in my current relationship. (Read the previous postings ya...heh) And there were times that I almost lost her...but thankfully our love for each other is strong and all I can say is I thank God for it...seriously...sometimes I do tend to do foolish things and it does cause me trouble...heh (tell me which guy who doesn't...)

But at least she can see my flaws earlier on rather than later on. I asked her, why does she love me so much...and she said she loves me for my flaws, so when she knows them, she will be able to see my strengths...tell me how can you not love someone who is so honest with her answer...and that someone will be my wife soon...

July...it's just a few months away...

What do I feel?

Excited. Why? Cause I've met the right person that I want to be with. She's adorable and she's fantastic. And to know that before I sleep I can look at her and when I wake up and see her...it will be something that I am looking forward to have. To be able to buy groceries for OUR home, furniture, movie nights and late outings...hari raya shopping, 'fasting' together...it's going to be beautiful...and the best thing is...this year's Hari Raya will be our first as husband and wife!!

Scared. Why? Cause I'm a bit worried if I would be a good husband to her. Will I do the right things as a good husband would do? Will I mess up? Will I say the wrong things? Will I be able to provide food and shelter for her? Will I be able to care for her when she is sick? A lot of worries and questions does pop to mind...but somehow, when I'm with her I feel like I can manage...

So yeah...it's just around the corner and we've just taken our first step...I've bought her the rings for the 'merisik' and the engagement. It was beautiful to actually sat next to her and pick out rings...the feeling was different cause at least we can see it now that its really happening...

July...its just a few months away...

And I can't wait for it to come...

Preparations? It'll be done.

Emotionally prepared? Yes!


Now all I need to do is prep the paperworks and get ready for the big day.

Irina Hariati, I can't wait to be married to you...I want to continue loving you more and more by the day...I don't want it to stop...I want us to be so much in love with one another until whenever...

So if this is corn and cheese...so let it be...heh...

I know I'm in love and I'm getting married!

Signing off for now...

A Drop of Silence

As a human being, we make mistakes.

Some are made unknowingly and some...well, just plain stupid.

When we make a mistake, there will definitely be repercussions. Either big or small depending on the mistake that has been done.

I made a mistake yesterday. Despite what I said, being believed or not is a whole different matter. Justifying your actions albeit what you have done doesn't necessarily mean that it'll be okay. There are a lot of context and point of view especially if you're the other party that got hurt.

And due to my actions...I am cut off from the person that I love. I have been told to stay away, for how long I don't know. As I am writing this down, I am hoping that I will be forgiven and will be able to be close and hear her voice again...

I am only human...I make mistakes and I ask for forgiveness...

And I hurt...

What I Love About Her

What do I love about her?

I love how she smells in the morning.

I love how she smells in the evening.

I love how she eats.

I love how she sips her drinks.

I love how she walks.

I love how she dances. (even the so called silly ones)

I love how she looks at me.

I love how she calls me.

I love how she sounds when she's sleepy.

I love how she accidently falls asleep when we're on the phone.

I love how she pokes her head over the partition to say 'I love u'.

I love how she sings.

I love how panicky she gets when she's lost at doing something.

I love how she holds my hand when we walk.

I love how she held my arm when we walk.

I love how she plays with my hair when I drive.

I love how she puts her head to my shoulders and ask me how much I love her.

I love her questions.

I love her answers.

I love her jokes.

I love her quips.

I love her voice when she's happy.

I love how she grabs my pinky finger when we walk around our workplace.

I love how she comes over beside me just to say hi to me.

I love how she talks about her passion.

I love how she plans.

I love how she wants to be with me.

I love how she wants to marry me.

I love planning our marriage with her.

I love discussing with her.

I love listening to her.

I love how she kisses me.

I love seeing her trying clothes for me.



Simply put...

I just love her for who she is.

Here's to you sweetie...

The Lost Of A Friend...

3 and a half years ago I met a good friend. I can still remember the day we met. I think we hit it off pretty good. Coz I remember saying, 'I like this'...

Let me tell you about this friend of mine. She isn't as pretty or as sleek. She isn't as brainy. But one thing she was good was keeping me company. She stood with me through thick and thin. There were problems at first but as in all relationships, there are always the good and bad. But we hung on. There were times that I can lose my temper at her, and there were times she was so trying...

She was quite big for someone her age, and compared to the other ladies...yeah she was bigger despite being small. But she can really do tricks. She has the wonderful ability to swing herself and make it look cool. I've learned to handle her as best as I could and if anybody were to see us together, we looked good.

Fast forward 3 years later...she's still with me. Lately she has been giving me problems...she would suddenly keep quiet. Sometimes she just doesn't respond to me as she usually does. It broke my heart at times but I kept on being strong. She always kept me 'entertained' at nights or when I'm bored. She would sing to me so many songs and lull me to sleep. A friend that never left me.

Until last Friday...

There was an accident. She almost drowned but I managed to save her. But falling into the water and being submerged for sometime did some damage. My heart sank. I never thought that could have happened to her. Why was I so careless?!! Why?!!

I managed to dry her, but the damage has been done. She could still talk to me. Sing for me. Respond to me. But the light from her has been diminished. She lost the ability to brighten up. The next day was the roughest days that I had to go through. Each time I looked at her, my heart was filled with sorrow. Memories swam into my mind and I don't know how I can live through this...

Problems started getting from bad to worst. She couldn't respond to me sometimes and it was heartbreaking. And I knew that it was time to let her go.

Her time has come and I know that to try to bring her back would be...devastating.

Last night I put her to sleep. I don't know wether it will be for good or temporary, but after 3 years she deserves the rest. She has been resilient and a trusted companion. She has been through thick and thin with me and alas it is time to say goodbye.

Goodbye my dear Sony Ericsson W550i. You were a true phone to begin with. Despite being one of the first generation walkman phones, to me you were the best. My memories with you shall always be with me.

Maybe one day, when I have the time and money...I'll fix you up.

Farewell for now...and I hope the Sony Ericsson W350 will live up to your excellence...

Why...

Why?

That's the most used word for this semester. I say it to my students most of the time. The word is quite important when you talk about design and ideas. Thank God its not overused. And I think lately it has been rubbing off to my kids...

Now...its me.

I'm asking a lot with the word. But I ask myself. There are times these questions that are birthed from the word feels like it needs to be answered. But does the answer will actually satisfy the curiosity or makes me ask more? or can I handle the answers? And yet, from that one word...a thousand or a million questions can come.

And I am left in a state of confusion.

Yes I am at the moment. I am neither here nor there. I'm in the middle. Thinking. Worrying. Deciding.

I wish these questions would go away so I can be free from it. So I can live as I did. Why?!

Because I want to actually not worry about anything. Because I want to smile and laugh easily again. Because I want to clear my head so I can do the things that actually make me who I am.

These past few days has given me nothing but more questions. And some of these questions starts to appear in my dreams in many forms. I'm having sleepless nights. I wake up trembling. Angry. Sad. Fear. Alone.

I know I'm not alone. I know I'm not angry, sad or afraid. But these questions...these God damn questions...

Why?!

I am a person who tries to rationalize his actions and thinking. Reason for being, is to actually have a reason. And if what I do has its repercussions, there is a valid and honest reason to it.

But now...

I am in a state of unfathomable questions which makes me...questionable.

Why do I do such things. Why do I torment myself this way. Why do I not believe in what I should believe. Why do I not live as I am supposed to live. Why am here, writing this where I need not worry about.

Its because nowadays, what I do, I cannot reason. I can't seem to find a logical and rational answer to my questions. I want to ask, yet I am afraid of how to handle it. I want to ask, but I am afraid of what will happen by that action. I want to ask and yet I cannot bring myself to it.

So I let myself be in limbo. Neither here nor there. Just existing with this unlimited source of questions about my life, myself and my being.

What else can I do than to just go about my day and try to live as I live. Be who I usually am. And hope that when I wake up the next day the questions of 'whys' will fade away like the morning fog after a stormy night. When the sun shines again as bright as it is meant to be, giving life from its rays.

Everyday is a constant battle to keep myself who I am.

Everyday a war that is being fought on the fields of my mind and heart.

I'm weary. I am tired...

or maybe...

I have to believe and have faith in Him that it is all a test to me and He has His reasons for putting me in this state.

To make me stronger? Wiser?

I hope so. For that is what I want...

Clearing Up My Life...

Eversince last Sunday, I've been paying...heh...meaning forking out shitloads of cash to clear so many things.

The weird thing is, I thought I'd be miserable about it...yet I felt fine. Heck I felt good! Let's see what the damage was...

1 - Had to renew my roadtax and insurance...but...

2 - Had to send my car to puspakom for inspection...so...

3 - Had to repair and fix up the car to JPJ approved standards...and...it passed! but...

4 - Had to settle my summons which I totally forgot to renew my roadtax...hahahaha...

So...let's see the amount...

- Car repairs: RM1400
- Summons: RM600
- Roadtax/Insurance/Puspakom: RM750
- Look on my face: Priceless...

So I am almost officially broke...but I'm not depressesed. Not even regretting anything. I'm glad that I manage to have the cash to settle things. Coz it's all for a good cause. It's all for the right reasons. And for that...

I don't really mind...

Irina Hariati...

My first post for 2009...

A little while back, my lovely lady posted something about us on her blog. It was lovely (despite her saying that she didn't know what to say...). I read it and I never knew how much I meant to her. But then, how we got together in the first place was rather...different.

Upon face value, you might see it as she took me away from someone. And I was the bastard that left my so then current relationship for a new one. Yes. Face value.

And thinking that everything was okay we carried on with our daily life...until...

the remarks and comments started to come in...and we were somehow bombarded with negative remarks and statement coming from all sides...

and there was this particular blogger...(I don't really know who the fuck she is...) and I think what happened between me and my current love struck a nerve with her....(again I mention who the fuck does she think...)

She commented and not enough had to create one posting exclusively for us. About all kinds of shit and stuff. And like I mentioned earlier...FACE VALUE. That's what they see. And they comment on what they say. Cool thing is my dearest didn't even flinch. She just read it and she said.."She's got some valid points...not all are right..but she's right on a few things..".

Well, there you go. If it were up to me, I'd hunt her down and rip off her head (heh...yeah...like I actually do that on a daily basis...its more of a fortnightly thing...)...but I re-read it again and yeah...guess my ironic irina was right...

But despite her saying that, I am still pissed for those who don't actually know what happened. Those who did, and understand...Thank you. Those who don't and carrying wooden stakes and ready to burn me and irin...go ahead and try your best you hosers! Hahahaha...

I know I'm happy and she's happy as well. 'Nuff said!

(she's so adorable!)