Why...

Why?

That's the most used word for this semester. I say it to my students most of the time. The word is quite important when you talk about design and ideas. Thank God its not overused. And I think lately it has been rubbing off to my kids...

Now...its me.

I'm asking a lot with the word. But I ask myself. There are times these questions that are birthed from the word feels like it needs to be answered. But does the answer will actually satisfy the curiosity or makes me ask more? or can I handle the answers? And yet, from that one word...a thousand or a million questions can come.

And I am left in a state of confusion.

Yes I am at the moment. I am neither here nor there. I'm in the middle. Thinking. Worrying. Deciding.

I wish these questions would go away so I can be free from it. So I can live as I did. Why?!

Because I want to actually not worry about anything. Because I want to smile and laugh easily again. Because I want to clear my head so I can do the things that actually make me who I am.

These past few days has given me nothing but more questions. And some of these questions starts to appear in my dreams in many forms. I'm having sleepless nights. I wake up trembling. Angry. Sad. Fear. Alone.

I know I'm not alone. I know I'm not angry, sad or afraid. But these questions...these God damn questions...

Why?!

I am a person who tries to rationalize his actions and thinking. Reason for being, is to actually have a reason. And if what I do has its repercussions, there is a valid and honest reason to it.

But now...

I am in a state of unfathomable questions which makes me...questionable.

Why do I do such things. Why do I torment myself this way. Why do I not believe in what I should believe. Why do I not live as I am supposed to live. Why am here, writing this where I need not worry about.

Its because nowadays, what I do, I cannot reason. I can't seem to find a logical and rational answer to my questions. I want to ask, yet I am afraid of how to handle it. I want to ask, but I am afraid of what will happen by that action. I want to ask and yet I cannot bring myself to it.

So I let myself be in limbo. Neither here nor there. Just existing with this unlimited source of questions about my life, myself and my being.

What else can I do than to just go about my day and try to live as I live. Be who I usually am. And hope that when I wake up the next day the questions of 'whys' will fade away like the morning fog after a stormy night. When the sun shines again as bright as it is meant to be, giving life from its rays.

Everyday is a constant battle to keep myself who I am.

Everyday a war that is being fought on the fields of my mind and heart.

I'm weary. I am tired...

or maybe...

I have to believe and have faith in Him that it is all a test to me and He has His reasons for putting me in this state.

To make me stronger? Wiser?

I hope so. For that is what I want...