To My Daughter Khazana Theressa

Well, I'm not sure if I'm still around when you read this...but I would just like to tell you that I'm writing or typing this even before you were born.

To my beautiful daughter Khazana...I dreamed of you again last night. Yes. You have been frequenting my dreams a lot lately and each time I have to wake up, it hurts. In the dreams I would hold you and look at you, feeling so much love for this child. But when I wake up, my heart aches cause I had to wake up to a world without you.

Your mother knows the feeling, and she feels sad that you're not here yet. But I told her it's okay, since I know that you're somewhere. Waiting patiently to come into our lives. I guess God wants you to come to us when we're ready. And I for one wouldn't want anything to happen to you nor not able to give the things that you need and want. Sometimes I feel that you're with me, looking at me with your round beautiful eyes and with full honesty just as how your mother looks at me.

To be honest, as I am typing this I am missing you my daughter. Funny as you are not even here yet I am missing you.

Last night I dreamed that we haven't named you yet. Yes my dear, you had many names before your mother and I agreed on one. Finally we decided to name you Khazana Theressa. The first part of your name was your mother's idea. And it suited you very well, since you are our treasure. And Theressa? Well, I have loved that name for a very long time.

To my daughter Khazana, I know in my heart that you will grow to be a beautiful and intelligent girl just as your mother (if you haven't realized that yet, that was the reason I married her...). You will be responsible and will be able to see which is right or which is wrong. You would come to me for advice and you would love me for who I am. Your father. You would see me as your hero as I would want to be. When you are in doubt, you can always come to me and know that no matter what...I will always love you.

I don't know if you would have any siblings or not, but know this...I will love them just as much as I love you. I will care for them just as I have for you.

But last night I dreamed of you.

I dreamed of the daughter that I would love to have and hold in my arms.

And I am missing her, and hope that I will see her again when I sleep tonight until she comes into my life.

I hope that after reading this in the future, you will know how much I wanted you to be in my life. If there were any misunderstandings or your angry at me for something, just know that I have loved you even before you were born. And I am still loving you no matter what.

Love,
Your Father
Mohd Izham

Fatigue

I'm tired.

Yes I am.

I took a whole week of from work with my wife. Reason for being trying to finish up what I can of my commissioned works.

But what I'm really tired of what people tell me. What people say that I can and can't do. Yeah I know, I'm 33 and I still have people telling me things. I really don't mind actually. It's okay. And I like it that people around me know what I can do.

But it gets tiresome.

It gets boring.

It gets mundane.

Why? Because I don't think that way of myself.

Everyday I am reminded of my thesis. Everybody saying that 'Oh you can write and speak english so well, you definitely can finish it less than a few months...'

What if I can't?

'You can do whatever you want...It's all in your mind!'

What if it isn't?

'People who are doing they're thesis has a common problem. The language and understanding...you don't have that'

What if I'm just like them. What if I have no freaking idea what am I doing?

'Come on...just do the thesis and get it over with...have you started?'

Everyday I am reminded of it. All the time. Not that I'm being ungrateful, it's just that sometimes I just don't want to do it. Is that so hard to understand? Yeah, with a masters I can get a bigger better pay. True. And I really need the money. God knows how much. And it's tiresome to be reminded that I blundered myself in my finances way back. And it's tiresome that it's biting my ass...every single day.

I am blessed. True. I love my life. I love the people around me.

But for now...I'm just tired. In mind. In soul. In spirit.

I'm tired of thinking and worrying. So much noise in my head. So much static.

Every. Single. Day.

All I want is a moment of peace...in my mind. Is that so much to ask?

People have been going around with 'The Secret' thing. The laws of attraction. Want to know my secret? My secret is trying to survive everyday without falling apart.

I just needed to let this out. It's not meant to hurt anybody.

I'm just tired.

Backflashing and Autobots...

It's 4 a.m in the morning...

I finished building another tank for a friend of mine and now my brain is kinda 'up'. Actually I wanted to post earlier but I got hooked up on something else...so when's a good time to blog?

4 a.m...yeah...

Well, it all started a few days ago...lately I've been having flashbacks of my childhood. It's like when I pass somewhere and it just triggers it. And I can actually feel the emotions at that moment...

You see...when I was in primary school I was a victim of bullying. Yes. I'm not ashamed to admit it. In the last two years of my life in primary school I was called names and pushed around by so called, leaner, faster and cooler kids.

Let's start from the beginning...you see, my education started abroad. So when I came back to Malaysia, I was in the mid of the year and enrolled in a normal school. The first day of school was quite horrible that I was culture shocked. And that my dear readers was how I became the fat kid of the class and later school.

I was always last in whatever sports involved running. I was chosen last when we had soccer matches, and sometimes I was only picked since they wanted to just kick the ball AT me...not TO me. It was tough. Due to my size, even some teachers thought I was dumb. I didn't excel at anything and later the kids found a nickname to call and tease me. I was the kid that just wanted to be with friends. To play around...talk and have fun.

I thought wrong.

In standard 5 and 6, I was tormented. Somehow those kids forgot my real name and kept on calling me by that ugly nickname. But me, wanting to be friends...I let them. It hurt my every being. And I got fatter and fatter. I remember my mum saying that I was becoming selfish when it came to food. She was right.

I was fat, ugly, selfish and stupid.

But you know who actually kept me from my path of self depreciation? From further falling into a place where I would never be able to crawl out?

Optimus Prime and his Autobots.

Yup...the fictional character from a cartoon series. And among a few more shows...and their toys. They were the ones that kept me from bad to worst. No matter how bad things were at school, I knew when I got home my 'real' friends would be waiting. My own world where the only limit is my imagination. As soon as I step foot into my room, it becomes another world. Where there are heroes...where good will always triumph. The bullied are safe from bullies.

Why didn't I tell my mum about what I was going through? I guess I wanted to fight my own battles. I didn't want to be the boy who cries 'mama' each time he faces a problem. My mum only knew many years later of my ordeal and she wondered why I never told her.

Later in highschool it was totally different for me. But that's another story...

What I'm trying to say is that toys helped me a lot when I was young. It not only gave me the power to imagine...to be creative...but it also helped me by being my friends when I felt that I had no one. They played out stories that made me laugh and cry. They took me on adventures and expeditions...Where I learned of true friendship and responsibility.

Toys weren't just plastic that I play with, it was a part of my life. A part of me growing up.

Yeah, maybe I was a victim of bullies in school...but if that didn't happen...

I would have never had Optimus Prime and the Autobots as my friends.

I became who I am today if not for the things that I had to go through.

And I am proud of who I am.

Till next posting!

Quitting For Now

Yeah...

Once reading the title you all might be pondering what am I quitting...heh...

Actually this has something to do with my previous posting. Yesterday my wife and I went to meet up with our housing agent and fill in the forms for the loan. And another super news came from our agent stating that there's another unit that if a client of his cancels, will be available by next year in May!! And not to mention an end lot unit!! If things weren't getting better...Alhamdulillah...

That comes to what I wanted to share...I'll be quitting from collecting toys and models, for now that is. I've told my wife that my last item would be one more figure that will be released only next year. After that...there won't be anymore.

I know, some might scoff at what I'm saying...I know...especially my buddies in the world of toy collecting that is...to them, the idea of quitting is just in the head...LOL...

But I'm serious this time around. I guess my priorities are different now then it was before. It used to be trying to get the best figures or the ones that I liked, but it's different as I'm living my life day to day. I remember when I used to dream of being married, having a nice landed property with kids running around...yeah...and I'm living through it now...

Getting married and buying a house really changes your view on life.

The question of why has a pretty simple answer. I want to make my home beautiful. I want to furnish the living room with exquisite furniture (I have my eyes on this awesome 5K sofa from Harvey Norman) and design my studio as how I have always seen it...

My priorities are to my growing family and our home. To make life better and to make sure that my children grow up as I grew up...enjoying their childhood...run around the grass and have adventures that only their wonderful minds could create...

Once in awhile I might pickup a figure...but it all depends on wether I still want to or not, it is now by choice...

For now, Master Chief and Cortana has found their home...in a new colony outside the outer rims...(actually Puncak Alam isn't as far as some might think...)

And hopefully once we've set up our new base of operations, there will be little Spartan II's making it a much livelier place...

I thank Allah the Al-Mighty for giving us this chance. And hopefully I can also be a better Muslim, husband and father...

The Goof Groove Mood...

Heya peeps...

Yeah..its been over a month. Well, the last post was a day before my birthday. I'm 33 now. Yep. Yessirree...33 years old. But to reach that particular birthday was a roller coaster of a ride. It was the most challenging 3 weeks for me.

I'm still 'ere. Means I survived it. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

And yes. I do feel stronger. More confident. More assertive of myself.

Someone asked me if I've stopped blogging, well actually not that I've stopped...I'm just lazy sometimes...and I think if I wanted to write about something...I should write about something that matters.

From the date of my last entry there were a bunch of stuff that went on. Good stuffs. One of it was receiving almost 200+ birthday wishes on my Facebook page. All I can say it meant something to me. Each and every wish was replied. Yep. Each one. But it was worth it.

But the one thing that I'd like to share is that my wife and me have...(FINALLY)...been able to procure a house. With land. Eventhough it'll be ready in almost 2 years, it will be worth the wait. God knows our search for a house that was within our price range was getting depressing by the day. We had to take into account of a lot of things...distance, area, pricing, developer and so many...dear God...so many other reasons. Last weekend, we found what we were looking for...but it was all sold out...but we still gave our names for the waiting list and quietly prayed that there was something...a unit at least for us.

Last Tuesday was considered the downward spiral for both of us into the depths of depression. Yeah, we were tired and weary of going to and fro to areas and show houses. As the end of the day was coming to an end...my wife looked as though she was going to burst into tears. But I kept on telling her that there is a house...waiting somewhere for us. We just need to keep our heads up and hopes high...All she said was, 'You're a very optimistic person Yayang...I love you'. I guess, learning to be optimistic was a very long and painful journey and it must have been for the days that I go through now...

But then...a phone call I received the next day made both of us realize, that being optimistic and believing in God has its rewards. We got it.

We got a unit. And not just any unit...the one we wanted. The bigger one.

My wife felt like a heavy boulder has been hefted off her and I felt a kind of relief and joy of this sudden amazing news. Then we started imagining on the stuffs that we wanted to do, until to a point that my dear lil' wife couldn't sleep. She was that excited!!

It'll be a bit far, but I think we'll manage. So in 2012...insyaallah, we will be residents of Shah Alam 2, Puncak Alam...a beautiful and breathtaking place surrounded by green and fresh air.

And for the past few days, I've been a bit lazy. Lazy to do my commissioned works. Not that I'm purposely not wanting to do it...it's just that I wanted to take some time off...I'll get cracking on it very soon...but for now...

I just want to goof with the groove...

Why?

I'm tired.

Yeah. Right this moment I am. Fell asleep for a bit while reading HALO: Contact Harvest, and now I feel a bit energized. But yet I'm still tired.

Why?

Coz I get tired after being pissed off. Yep. Apparently being ticked off uses much of my energy nowadays. LOL.

Why the anger you ask the goofing groover?

You see earlier today I found out that a a group or a few people said some pretty bad things about me. Yes. Another one. But it came from a few people. To my 2nd boss. Yes, pretty shitty right? How I knew? A few people who weren't happy with what was happening came to me. They were unhappy and felt unjust with what happened. They came and told me to be ready.

Actually I was really caught off-guard with it. But I chose to ease down on the rage and keep my head level. At first all I wanted to do was rush to these so called 'backstabbing bastards' and pile up a few kilograms of pure Spartan II fists in their faces.

But what good will it do? It'll only prove them right and I have stooped to their stupidity and ignorance. And I for one am not in that league.

My wife and colleagues came to my aid. They talked and tried very hard to keep me calm. And upon posting a status on my FB page, my students came to my aid...which really help me wind down and remember what I was here in the first place. (Thank you all!)

I came to Unisel officially in 2007. With that I brought in my heart that I wanted to share my knowledge and experience to the younger generation of designers. I filled my head with grand ideas on how to teach effectively and plans so that the groups of graduating Art and Design students of Unisel are the best of the best.

Yes. That was my dream. It still was until earlier today.

I was shattered when I was told that I was bias...some students felt that I didn't teach them anything...I didn't give them the marks they deserved...and a bunch of other things that was kinda hard to believe that I did. I was so angry but yet I was sad and frustrated as well.

After awhile the sadness actually kicks in. And here I am...typing this very words with my heart aching. As a friend of mine mentioned in one of his comments, 'this is one of the challenges of an educator'. How true it is.

My approach in class has always been free. Why? Because being free unties the bonds of creativity. I joke. I tell stories. I teach. All the while hoping that what I impart on these young minds are knowledge that they can use in the future. That is an educator's hope.

But what happens when the joy that you instill in class is misused? Taken advantage? When students simple does not come to class because...they simply don't want to? The first thing you'd look at yourself and try to fix the situation. But when the situation does not improve? You work with what you can and adapt.

That is what I did and now it bites me in the ass. What a wonderful turn of events aye?

I'm bias?
Yes. Yes I am. I'm bias to students who commit themselves to my classes and do their work. I'm bias to students who are honest with me and want to learn. I'm bias to students who submit their work on time and shows effort in doing it. I'm bias to students who come to see me to show their work progress and gives me originality. If that is what I am bias about then yes, guilty as charged.

They didn't learn much in my class?
Well, I think I've been teaching for almost 4 years now and this is new. I mean how can you learn anything if your always missing from class? Don't these students understand that coming to class means coming to get knowledge. Do they expect me to go to their house and teach them while their sleeping and snoring in their comfy smelly beds? Coming to class late means you've missed a good portion of lecture and you can't expect me to give you a full 2 hour lecture again? Don't you think it's unfair to your early bird friends? So tell me my dear students, which part of your story is true? Did I or did I Not teach you enough? Look at yourself in the mirror and ask that.

They say they didn't get the marks they deserve?
How can I give you an 'A' for an effort that deserved a 'D'? How can I pass the student when it is clear that he or she submitted work that is a complete failure? Do these students not understand that if you want an 'A' then they should give me an 'A' effort. Not sketches on a piece of A3 paper and a character design done in the few minutes before your presentation. Plagiarism, should there even be marks for that?!! This is where the 'not-coming-to-class' PLUS the crappy work submitted comes to play. And you expect me to give you an 'A'?

So yes, at this moment I am sad. Why? Because there are individuals whom I call students have come to judge me and accuse me of not being a proper teacher.

All I ask is to look at yourself before passing judgment. Look at yourself whether you're the perfect model student to actually utter those words?

I really do hope these students of Art and Design Unisel (they are no students of mine...and from today onwards I do not know them) read this posting. I really do.

But then again...even if they do, will they understand?

I doubt it.

My Cousin Ahmad Fakhruddin (D.D.)

Hello all,

I was blog hopping as usual cause I remember a posting about my late cousin that I posted a long time ago. It was on my Friendster blog, but it was deleted due to inactivity. In the years I thought that the post was lost since the original text itself was gone.

Until today...

Yes apparently the posting was transferred to another account of mine and I found it...and I would like to share it with you all...

The post was dated 1st July 2004 which was three days after he passed away...

My Cousin

Hey everyone…I’m not used to posting things but I thought of wanting to share something with all of you… On the 29th of June 2004, my cousin, Ahmad Fakhruddin b. Samsudin passed away. He passed away due to some heart complications. He left a wife and a daughter and he was only 23+ years old.

When I first heard the news from my mother, I couldn’t shake off the shock that was going on in my head. I couldn’t bring myself to believe that he was gone. As my mum left me in my room…I cried. He wasn’t just my cousin, he was my unofficial brother. His real brother, him and me were known to be the 3’s Stooges in our family. Despite being only cousins, our bond was just as close as we were real brothers. Whenever I was back in Terengganu, all three of us would get together and do the most craziest things. When we got older, we spent a lot of time talking about our lives. Even though we were but phone calls away, but being around one another was the best. We would talk about our dreams, girl problems, anything to seriousness until nonsensical stuffs. But the times when we were together felt like hours. We’d hang out near the pier at night and talked. Drove around and ‘kacau’ the ‘bapoks’…it was the time of our lives.

Now, he’s gone. No matter how I look at it, he's really gone. During his funeral I kept looking around maybe he would pop up and laugh his head off saying it was a prank. But seeing him on the bed. Lifeless…it was true that he has left this world. Before his burial, I gave my last respects and kissed his forehead. It was cold. How can a body so warm and full of life now be so cold. His brother held my hand and we held each other looking at our brother. It was goodbye. It was the last time, the ‘3’s Stooges’ were together.

Until now as I’m typing this out, my heart still aches. There were a lot of things that I didn’t get a chance to say. But the most is ‘I’m sorry…’ and ‘Goodbye…’ When his body was taken into the earth, I looked on. I looked around and saw the people which lives he has touched. He may not have had a high education, but he had a heart bigger than anybody else. He’s responsibility to his family has always had my respect. He loved his wife and he loved his daughter very much. He didn’t say it, but he acted upon it. And actions do speak louder than words. He had the biggest laugh among us, and there were times that he would talk to me about his problems. Being afraid for his daughter, afraid of what kind of husband and father he would be. But I always told him that he did fine, and there was nothing for him to worry about. Due to that, it shows…what a responsible and loving person my cousin was. D.D, my brother…I’ll miss u a lot…and there won’t be a day from now on that I would ponder on my own mortality and the times we had together…

You’ll always be my brother…

Al-fatihah…

And as I read this again after all these years...I still feel sadden by his passing. I still feel that he was still around and would call me out of the blue just to talk...His passing reminds me of our mortality and what we would like to be remembered for when we are gone...

Even after 6 years...I still miss him.