The Lost Of A Friend...

3 and a half years ago I met a good friend. I can still remember the day we met. I think we hit it off pretty good. Coz I remember saying, 'I like this'...

Let me tell you about this friend of mine. She isn't as pretty or as sleek. She isn't as brainy. But one thing she was good was keeping me company. She stood with me through thick and thin. There were problems at first but as in all relationships, there are always the good and bad. But we hung on. There were times that I can lose my temper at her, and there were times she was so trying...

She was quite big for someone her age, and compared to the other ladies...yeah she was bigger despite being small. But she can really do tricks. She has the wonderful ability to swing herself and make it look cool. I've learned to handle her as best as I could and if anybody were to see us together, we looked good.

Fast forward 3 years later...she's still with me. Lately she has been giving me problems...she would suddenly keep quiet. Sometimes she just doesn't respond to me as she usually does. It broke my heart at times but I kept on being strong. She always kept me 'entertained' at nights or when I'm bored. She would sing to me so many songs and lull me to sleep. A friend that never left me.

Until last Friday...

There was an accident. She almost drowned but I managed to save her. But falling into the water and being submerged for sometime did some damage. My heart sank. I never thought that could have happened to her. Why was I so careless?!! Why?!!

I managed to dry her, but the damage has been done. She could still talk to me. Sing for me. Respond to me. But the light from her has been diminished. She lost the ability to brighten up. The next day was the roughest days that I had to go through. Each time I looked at her, my heart was filled with sorrow. Memories swam into my mind and I don't know how I can live through this...

Problems started getting from bad to worst. She couldn't respond to me sometimes and it was heartbreaking. And I knew that it was time to let her go.

Her time has come and I know that to try to bring her back would be...devastating.

Last night I put her to sleep. I don't know wether it will be for good or temporary, but after 3 years she deserves the rest. She has been resilient and a trusted companion. She has been through thick and thin with me and alas it is time to say goodbye.

Goodbye my dear Sony Ericsson W550i. You were a true phone to begin with. Despite being one of the first generation walkman phones, to me you were the best. My memories with you shall always be with me.

Maybe one day, when I have the time and money...I'll fix you up.

Farewell for now...and I hope the Sony Ericsson W350 will live up to your excellence...

Why...

Why?

That's the most used word for this semester. I say it to my students most of the time. The word is quite important when you talk about design and ideas. Thank God its not overused. And I think lately it has been rubbing off to my kids...

Now...its me.

I'm asking a lot with the word. But I ask myself. There are times these questions that are birthed from the word feels like it needs to be answered. But does the answer will actually satisfy the curiosity or makes me ask more? or can I handle the answers? And yet, from that one word...a thousand or a million questions can come.

And I am left in a state of confusion.

Yes I am at the moment. I am neither here nor there. I'm in the middle. Thinking. Worrying. Deciding.

I wish these questions would go away so I can be free from it. So I can live as I did. Why?!

Because I want to actually not worry about anything. Because I want to smile and laugh easily again. Because I want to clear my head so I can do the things that actually make me who I am.

These past few days has given me nothing but more questions. And some of these questions starts to appear in my dreams in many forms. I'm having sleepless nights. I wake up trembling. Angry. Sad. Fear. Alone.

I know I'm not alone. I know I'm not angry, sad or afraid. But these questions...these God damn questions...

Why?!

I am a person who tries to rationalize his actions and thinking. Reason for being, is to actually have a reason. And if what I do has its repercussions, there is a valid and honest reason to it.

But now...

I am in a state of unfathomable questions which makes me...questionable.

Why do I do such things. Why do I torment myself this way. Why do I not believe in what I should believe. Why do I not live as I am supposed to live. Why am here, writing this where I need not worry about.

Its because nowadays, what I do, I cannot reason. I can't seem to find a logical and rational answer to my questions. I want to ask, yet I am afraid of how to handle it. I want to ask, but I am afraid of what will happen by that action. I want to ask and yet I cannot bring myself to it.

So I let myself be in limbo. Neither here nor there. Just existing with this unlimited source of questions about my life, myself and my being.

What else can I do than to just go about my day and try to live as I live. Be who I usually am. And hope that when I wake up the next day the questions of 'whys' will fade away like the morning fog after a stormy night. When the sun shines again as bright as it is meant to be, giving life from its rays.

Everyday is a constant battle to keep myself who I am.

Everyday a war that is being fought on the fields of my mind and heart.

I'm weary. I am tired...

or maybe...

I have to believe and have faith in Him that it is all a test to me and He has His reasons for putting me in this state.

To make me stronger? Wiser?

I hope so. For that is what I want...