To My Daughter Khazana Theressa

Well, I'm not sure if I'm still around when you read this...but I would just like to tell you that I'm writing or typing this even before you were born.

To my beautiful daughter Khazana...I dreamed of you again last night. Yes. You have been frequenting my dreams a lot lately and each time I have to wake up, it hurts. In the dreams I would hold you and look at you, feeling so much love for this child. But when I wake up, my heart aches cause I had to wake up to a world without you.

Your mother knows the feeling, and she feels sad that you're not here yet. But I told her it's okay, since I know that you're somewhere. Waiting patiently to come into our lives. I guess God wants you to come to us when we're ready. And I for one wouldn't want anything to happen to you nor not able to give the things that you need and want. Sometimes I feel that you're with me, looking at me with your round beautiful eyes and with full honesty just as how your mother looks at me.

To be honest, as I am typing this I am missing you my daughter. Funny as you are not even here yet I am missing you.

Last night I dreamed that we haven't named you yet. Yes my dear, you had many names before your mother and I agreed on one. Finally we decided to name you Khazana Theressa. The first part of your name was your mother's idea. And it suited you very well, since you are our treasure. And Theressa? Well, I have loved that name for a very long time.

To my daughter Khazana, I know in my heart that you will grow to be a beautiful and intelligent girl just as your mother (if you haven't realized that yet, that was the reason I married her...). You will be responsible and will be able to see which is right or which is wrong. You would come to me for advice and you would love me for who I am. Your father. You would see me as your hero as I would want to be. When you are in doubt, you can always come to me and know that no matter what...I will always love you.

I don't know if you would have any siblings or not, but know this...I will love them just as much as I love you. I will care for them just as I have for you.

But last night I dreamed of you.

I dreamed of the daughter that I would love to have and hold in my arms.

And I am missing her, and hope that I will see her again when I sleep tonight until she comes into my life.

I hope that after reading this in the future, you will know how much I wanted you to be in my life. If there were any misunderstandings or your angry at me for something, just know that I have loved you even before you were born. And I am still loving you no matter what.

Love,
Your Father
Mohd Izham

Fatigue

I'm tired.

Yes I am.

I took a whole week of from work with my wife. Reason for being trying to finish up what I can of my commissioned works.

But what I'm really tired of what people tell me. What people say that I can and can't do. Yeah I know, I'm 33 and I still have people telling me things. I really don't mind actually. It's okay. And I like it that people around me know what I can do.

But it gets tiresome.

It gets boring.

It gets mundane.

Why? Because I don't think that way of myself.

Everyday I am reminded of my thesis. Everybody saying that 'Oh you can write and speak english so well, you definitely can finish it less than a few months...'

What if I can't?

'You can do whatever you want...It's all in your mind!'

What if it isn't?

'People who are doing they're thesis has a common problem. The language and understanding...you don't have that'

What if I'm just like them. What if I have no freaking idea what am I doing?

'Come on...just do the thesis and get it over with...have you started?'

Everyday I am reminded of it. All the time. Not that I'm being ungrateful, it's just that sometimes I just don't want to do it. Is that so hard to understand? Yeah, with a masters I can get a bigger better pay. True. And I really need the money. God knows how much. And it's tiresome to be reminded that I blundered myself in my finances way back. And it's tiresome that it's biting my ass...every single day.

I am blessed. True. I love my life. I love the people around me.

But for now...I'm just tired. In mind. In soul. In spirit.

I'm tired of thinking and worrying. So much noise in my head. So much static.

Every. Single. Day.

All I want is a moment of peace...in my mind. Is that so much to ask?

People have been going around with 'The Secret' thing. The laws of attraction. Want to know my secret? My secret is trying to survive everyday without falling apart.

I just needed to let this out. It's not meant to hurt anybody.

I'm just tired.