My Last Post Was in April...

Yes...and now it's October...5 days after my birthday. So? Sue me.

Actually, I didn't intend to post anything. I could use this time to do my thesis. Yes. The dreadful thesis that is supposed to give me my masters degree. I'm still at it. Lol.

Not that nothing has happened in the past few months. A lot happened. Went to Tioman. Had our second anniversary there. Then there was our first faculty family day. Yeah and a bunch more. But it didn't actually prompted me to write about it. I guess I was happy.

Until recently.

More specifically last Tuesday. Morning.

I was in class when I received a call from my mother. Apparently my brother called her to ask to pick him up. I saw the time, and it was way too early to be going back. And I found out the reason. Now I can't go into details, due to certain reasons. So let's just skip to what actually happened.

Deciding that I need to talk to the class that belonged to my brother, I thought that...'hey, maybe I can make a change and do some good'...So I went in. Talked. Motivated. Advised. And a whole bunch of other things to boost up morale of this so called class.

An hour plus passed.

I told them to go upstairs together. To apologize and make amends to their teacher, hoping that it would not let the situation go sore.

As I left the class, I felt like I did right. I felt like I gave these kids something. Hope.

I was wrong. Dead wrong.

Upon reaching my own class, I looked out the window and saw most of the class...leaving. Yes. After all the motivational speech I gave, it was nothing. To them I was NOTHING. Then I remembered one of them actually fell ASLEEP while I was talking. Yes. Without any cover, the moron actually SLEPT!!

But the pain was more in the heart. I was heartbroken. I found out, that only two out of the whole group actually went up to the staff room to see their lecturer.

Only two.

At that time, I looked at myself. And I wondered. What am I doing? Why am I here? Why do I teach? Why do I even care for these people?

Why?

I went to class. Heartbroken. Demotivated. It was as though my whole heart was taken out and thrown to the floor. I can't seem to understand why do these kids do what they do. Do they not want to be someone one day?

Being an Art n Design student is a privilege. Do they not see this? It is a gift.

In the next few days, my mind was tired. My heart felt heavy. After 5 years of teaching...I felt tired. It's as though fatigue finally came to me. Pulling me down slowly. I was looking for a reason, something to keep me as I am. To make me believe what I do today is worth something.

God is Almighty. The past few days, people who I care...be it students and friends came to my aid. My ex-students dropped by to say hello. My friends kept my spirits up by cracking jokes and making me feel good. My mother, comforting me with her praises and words of wisdom. And my wife...my lovely wife kept her spirits up and telling me that reaching to one student, and making them see the light...is more than enough.

Yes. I do feel much better now...

But I would truly feel better if it was my own flesh and blood that I reached.

The Spirit of Friendship

Friends. Everybody has them right? No matter how alone you feel, there will always be this person or people whom you call friends.

Why am I writing about this? Purely simple, to celebrate my friends. And the funny ways we all meet up and get to know each other.

Along the way, I've met up with a lot of people...and there are so many characters, which made my life as colorful.

For example, this buddy of mine Reza. I met him many years ago. I sold him a Transformer toy (specifically Alternator Optimus Prime). That first meeting was casual business and the second time was due to repaint job he wanted me to do. We kept contact when he went to study abroad and I guess from there we became really good friends until today. A riot all the time (and the one guy that could pull of a joke with a straight face) but a friend that I can trust. Now, he's a new dad and I know his kid will grow up with lots of laughs...and toys. From a total stranger to one of my most trusted buddies.

That brings me to another strange yet funny story about how I met my friends Hanan and Alan. It all started many months which actually was years that we have crossed paths. Wha? You might be asking...hold on, I'll get there soon.

I usually frequent a shop in E@Cure (formerly known Cineleisure). The shop sells model kits and some toys. And this one time I met this guy who was holding a Macross Frontier model kit, upon seeing this...I was compelled to talk to this total stranger. Honestly until today I'm still asking, why I talked to this him. I just told him that the kit he was buying was an awesome kit (since I had one myself) and he should get it. So we talked a bit and I left without knowing the identity of this person (in Hanan's version, as soon as he turned to look at me again, I disappeared...like a toy angel...which I think was kinda cool).

Fast forward a few months later, my wife said that there was a friend of her brother's who wants to add her as a friend on Facebook. The reason was he read a note my wife wrote titled ' Why I Think My Husband's Hobby of Building Model Kits is Sexy' (which can be read here) and he saw this pic of a man in a t-shirt and 'kain pelikat' with a HALO helmet. He saw the name of this man 'ryukaze' and he wanted to get to know this guy since he has heard of him before. So adding him to my list of friends we got to talking and got to know each other.

Then I had a kit to sell, and this new friend of mine...Hanan messaged that he was interested to buy it from me. After meeting him and hanging out then it CLICKED! This was the the same guy I met many months ago which I gave some divine advice (wahahahaha). How'd that happened, and my wife was also the sister of his classmate!! Now the world is small right? The best thing is his wife clicked with my wife as well and became really good friends (they both love design, Raiha is an actual interior designer and my wife an actual graphic designer...and they both love furniture). From there on, we hung out a lot and it's become something of a ritual to at least meet up once a week for a movie and drinks. Heck...we love their kids (Emir, Sofea and little Umar) as well!

Now, there was one time we agreed to meet up at Amcorp mall. As soon as I got there, a Chinese fella and his wife was sitting with Hanan and Raiha (which until today I think has the coolest name...heh). Hanan introduced this fella as Alan and his wife Catherine. And here I found out that this was THE Alan that repainted a most excellent Transformers Movie Megatron which always caught my eye at MySciFi Outpost in Cineleisure (see how that place pops up again). He's worked with Hanan a lot of times, and Alan had heard of me before...so we both knew each other by reputation. And not to forget he and Catherine has the most adorable hyper military trained kid Kenji!

After that we'd meet up once in awhile and somehow little stories start popping out and in a way, each one of us has crossed paths with one another. For example, I found out later that Hanan used to hang out at this mamak in Cheras called Nellies during the same time that I hung out there with Traffic Magazine. And another crazy thing, he even visited my office once!! And in Alan's case, my wife has seen him on tv before and I think there were a few times I bumped into him when he was working at Outpost.

And now, I can say that how we met up to become friends was like a strange big loop. I guess things happen for a reason. What if I didn't talk to the stranger at that shop? What if I never got myself in the repaint business...

But what I can say, that I am glad and thankful to meet these fantastic individuals. Which I have regarded as more than just friends. They've become more than that, and this is what makes them great and awesome in my books. The shared interest and the things we talk about...but most importantly is how we have always respected one another and the things we do!

Cheers to all of you and hope that we will always remain great friends until whenever!

ps: this goes to all of you guys in ZeroGunz, Sembangtoys and TransMy!

The Past, The Teacher...

Actually I don't really know how to start this. I had a whole bunch of stuff I wanted to share, but I have to be careful around it. Why? It has something to do with the past. Yes.

Some of us tend to remember our past and regret them, and some rejoice what they went through. I for one have both. Hey, I'm only human right?

You see, if you've read my previous postings...my life has always been a roller coaster ride. There were really up times and seriously down low moments. But what I do remember, I just go through it. But what I really wanted to share is about relationships. I don't know the reason, but I think it has something to do with a question I asked my wife yesterday.

'What if we went to sleep and woke up the next day 15 years ago...but with all the memories of our present self?'

My wife didn't want to. She liked being where she is and who she is with.

So do I. Never would want to go through another 15 years to meet my lovable wife.

But I can't help to ponder on it. I mean there were things that I regret doing, but there were things that I did was the best times of my life. When you think about it, some would agree that they wished they were never with this or that person or never have done this and that...

I too thought that way, but then I realized that it was something that we had to go through. It was our destiny to go through with those relationships. It may have been bad, or it may have been worst, but think about it. At that time you were not who you are today.

I had my fair share of relationships, but my most serious would be the last two before I got married. I won't go into details since it might offend some people, but all I can say is that our break ups eventually lead us all to better places. I don't really know what my exes are doing now, but I know that they are doing way better and living much better. My prayers to them and hope that they will always lead a wonderful life until the end.

All I hope is that they do the same for me. Not holding any grudges and not holding anything against me for the things I've done. Forgive and forget and best wishes.

You see, at the time when we end a relationship we feel that it's the end of our own life. This is due to the routines that we do, the feeling of lost. Thinking that we're now alone and that nobody would love us the way it was.

But it isn't true. Letting go and going forward will show you that there is more than what you had before. There are more opportunities and most of all teaching us to be better.

Years before, I doubt my wife would have liked me. Heh. I was quite emotionally distraught and easily jealous. My anger management was also in disarray and not to mention do not know what to prioritize. Along the way we learn things. And after one relationship you would come out actually better than before. More alert and aware and most important, knowing what you want.

I'm more laid back now and I guess that's good.

I'm just saying that we shouldn't regret the past, but let it be our teachers. Teaching us little lessons in life to make you who you are today. And most of all, making us better human beings. I'm not saying that my lessons in life has ended, I'm still learning. Learning to be a husband, a son, a friend, an educator and later a father. And the best teacher is my past and I rejoice it, and maybe you should too...

Who else knows you more...

...than yourself?

Have you?

Have you ever fell in love and got so heartbroken that you thought life was over?
I have.

Have you had so much hope on something but were let down?
I have.

Have you ever woke up and felt like the day wasn't going to be right?
I have.

Have you ever lost someone close to you that you're still wishing that they were still there?
I have.

Have you hated someone so much that it hurts?
I have.

Have you felt like giving up on people?
I have.

but then again...

Have you ever fell in love and kept on loving this person till this very day?
I am.

Have you ever had so much hope on something and it pays off?
I have.

Have you ever woke up and be thankful to God for another day to be alive?
I am.

Have you ever lost someone and glad to have beautiful memories with that person?
I have.

Have you ever loved someone till it hurts?
I do.

Have you ever had your faith restored in people?
I have.

To have and to do these are not wrong. It is a part of life and it is a part of our being. We were created by God the Almighty to be able to choose things in life. To be able to act and react upon situations and problems given to you.

But what makes your life better is totally up to you. You are the one that makes it better or not. Because it is your life and you have only...

ONE of it.

Cherish it with love and fill it with joy.

(heh...it's just one of those days that I feel like posting something like this...no reason really, just that I'm happy to be alive...that's all...)

ScreenShots: A Stop In Motion

Last Tuesday (1st March 2011) an event was held by my students from our faculty. It was a small simple event called ScreenShots: A Stop in Motion.

Now, what is ScreenShots? It was actually an idea I had awhile back, in 2009. It was supposed to be a screening events for students to showcase their animated or video works. The first ScreenShots: A Series of Experimental Short Films which was held in 2009. It was an amalgam of videos which included music videos, comedy and horror shorts. It was a very very simple screening event and was supposed to be the start of a creative visual fest for students.

And here again, in 2011...ScreenShots is back. But this time it was animation. Not just any kind of animation...

it was Stop Motion.

The idea to do a stop motion project came after I saw a bunch of stop motion videos by amateur animators, and together with another colleague of mine we set forth on this journey to make ScreenShots: A Stop in Motion a reality.

After months of working with the students, teaching them the usage of framing, scenes, character design, storytelling and Adobe Flash...they were ready. Despite the corrections that they had to do, one thing for sure was they had fun. It was tedious, but the fun they had made them wanted to do the best they can.

There were so many memorable animated shorts by students and not to mention Diploma students which shown that with a little push and a little guidance, they can achieve anything. I'm not being bias, but my students proved to me that they had the creativity, the drive and the motivation to do what ever they can. And for that...I am proud to be a part of their education.

If it was possible, I wanted to show off all of their works...just to share with everybody. But alas, time was a constraint and I had to screen those that filled the criteria I needed. No matter, to me they were all winners and deserved mentions.

To DG08A and B, you all did a wonderful job despite having so much work to do. And it was a pleasure to be able to assist you guys and gals.

To DG09, you all are a group that has the right stuffs. You all had the maturity, the drive and the commitment to do your work well. Please keep being the way you are and I know that one day, it will be an asset. I am very proud of you all and it was an honor and privilege to meet and become a part of your education.

ScreenShots: A Stop in Motion was a success and hopefully that they next one will be bigger and maybe, one day...we can do...

ScreenShots: A Tale Through Time...(combining all the students video works...)

Here's to hoping!

Some pics to share.

Project manager Atang discussing with me on his speech. Our MC, Sara was busy writing down her thoughts...

Attendees were our beloved Prof. Madya Tn. Hj. Hashim Hassan among lecturers Pn. Aziyana and Miss Shamini.

Assistant Registrar En. Azman Kamal, En Fendi Shas and few other lecturers and students.

Not forgetting my dearest wife, who has helped by taking photos and also being my main cheerleader for the event.

To My Daughter Khazana Theressa

Well, I'm not sure if I'm still around when you read this...but I would just like to tell you that I'm writing or typing this even before you were born.

To my beautiful daughter Khazana...I dreamed of you again last night. Yes. You have been frequenting my dreams a lot lately and each time I have to wake up, it hurts. In the dreams I would hold you and look at you, feeling so much love for this child. But when I wake up, my heart aches cause I had to wake up to a world without you.

Your mother knows the feeling, and she feels sad that you're not here yet. But I told her it's okay, since I know that you're somewhere. Waiting patiently to come into our lives. I guess God wants you to come to us when we're ready. And I for one wouldn't want anything to happen to you nor not able to give the things that you need and want. Sometimes I feel that you're with me, looking at me with your round beautiful eyes and with full honesty just as how your mother looks at me.

To be honest, as I am typing this I am missing you my daughter. Funny as you are not even here yet I am missing you.

Last night I dreamed that we haven't named you yet. Yes my dear, you had many names before your mother and I agreed on one. Finally we decided to name you Khazana Theressa. The first part of your name was your mother's idea. And it suited you very well, since you are our treasure. And Theressa? Well, I have loved that name for a very long time.

To my daughter Khazana, I know in my heart that you will grow to be a beautiful and intelligent girl just as your mother (if you haven't realized that yet, that was the reason I married her...). You will be responsible and will be able to see which is right or which is wrong. You would come to me for advice and you would love me for who I am. Your father. You would see me as your hero as I would want to be. When you are in doubt, you can always come to me and know that no matter what...I will always love you.

I don't know if you would have any siblings or not, but know this...I will love them just as much as I love you. I will care for them just as I have for you.

But last night I dreamed of you.

I dreamed of the daughter that I would love to have and hold in my arms.

And I am missing her, and hope that I will see her again when I sleep tonight until she comes into my life.

I hope that after reading this in the future, you will know how much I wanted you to be in my life. If there were any misunderstandings or your angry at me for something, just know that I have loved you even before you were born. And I am still loving you no matter what.

Love,
Your Father
Mohd Izham

Fatigue

I'm tired.

Yes I am.

I took a whole week of from work with my wife. Reason for being trying to finish up what I can of my commissioned works.

But what I'm really tired of what people tell me. What people say that I can and can't do. Yeah I know, I'm 33 and I still have people telling me things. I really don't mind actually. It's okay. And I like it that people around me know what I can do.

But it gets tiresome.

It gets boring.

It gets mundane.

Why? Because I don't think that way of myself.

Everyday I am reminded of my thesis. Everybody saying that 'Oh you can write and speak english so well, you definitely can finish it less than a few months...'

What if I can't?

'You can do whatever you want...It's all in your mind!'

What if it isn't?

'People who are doing they're thesis has a common problem. The language and understanding...you don't have that'

What if I'm just like them. What if I have no freaking idea what am I doing?

'Come on...just do the thesis and get it over with...have you started?'

Everyday I am reminded of it. All the time. Not that I'm being ungrateful, it's just that sometimes I just don't want to do it. Is that so hard to understand? Yeah, with a masters I can get a bigger better pay. True. And I really need the money. God knows how much. And it's tiresome to be reminded that I blundered myself in my finances way back. And it's tiresome that it's biting my ass...every single day.

I am blessed. True. I love my life. I love the people around me.

But for now...I'm just tired. In mind. In soul. In spirit.

I'm tired of thinking and worrying. So much noise in my head. So much static.

Every. Single. Day.

All I want is a moment of peace...in my mind. Is that so much to ask?

People have been going around with 'The Secret' thing. The laws of attraction. Want to know my secret? My secret is trying to survive everyday without falling apart.

I just needed to let this out. It's not meant to hurt anybody.

I'm just tired.