A Father's Tale...

To my little baby girl,

A few years back, I had an entry for my future child. At that time, we didn't really have a proper name, but it was a name nonetheless for you. At that time, you weren't here yet. And I was missing you terribly.

And here I am again, putting another entry for you.

As of last week, you're 5 months old in your mommy's belly. In another 4 months, we'll be able to see you. God knows how excited both of us are. Waiting for our little girl to come to our world.

When we first found out of your arrival...we had to take the test 4 times to be sure. Actually the third test got us depressed when the doctor said that your mom wasn't pregnant.

We were quiet the drive back home. We afraid to hope. We didn't know what to feel.

Your mother bled the day after, and made an appointment with a doctor later that Friday.

Alhamdulillah was the only thing I could utter when the doc said, 'There's your baby...'

There you were...our little child...slowly growing.

My eyes teared up and the swelling of joy rushed to my heart.

That was a few months ago. And now you've grown strong and healthy...

I've been rubbing your mommy's tummy for the past few nights. Putting oil and gently massaging it so that it would comfort her. What I found out later, that you enjoyed it too. Every time I rub your mommy's belly, I would take the time to talk to you. I'm not sure either you understand me or not...but I just kept on talking to you. My daughter. I would tell you about how we feel for you, how excited and happy we are.

But the most amazing thing that happened was last night. These past few weeks your mommy has been having bad dreams. She kept on waking up in the middle of the night, and would have problems sleeping later. Then last night, I asked you to help her. Help her sleep. I asked for you to try to meet your mommy in her dreams.

The whole time mommy said you were moving so much. You responded to my touch and voice. And I kept asking for you, my little girl to help mommy. She needs the rest...

And this morning, when I asked...she said, 'Your daughter listened to you...'

It turns out that she slept soundly. She had a good night's rest.

Thank you my little unborn child.

I'll talk to you again tonight, and will try to do it every night if I can...so that you'll hear my voice and know, that we're waiting for you patiently.

Mommy and Daddy loves you very much...our little treasure.

Anzen Chitai - Jounetsu

Heh...

I've been a follower of Anzen Chitai for quite sometime. My dad used to play their songs in the morning before going to work and I took a liking to them.

Until recently, I slowly collected their songs from the net. It was kinda hard at first since their songs were way back in the 80's and some weren't in good quality.

About a year ago, I found one of their songs on youtube. Instantly downloaded it and become one of my all time favourites, sadly the quality was really bad and converting it to mp3 just made it worst. So I went on a search for a better quality. Since the original title was in japanese kanji, it was evident that my search will be a challenge.

After a while...I found it.

Downloaded it.

And feeling happy...

So I'm gonna share the link here for anyone else who might want to find this wonderful song from this amazing group...

Anzen Chitai - Jounetsu (Passion)

LYRICS:

Itsuka oii kaketa
Akoga re wa ... mada mabushii no ni
Ima mo Nani hitotsu ... 

Tsukame nai ... Teno hira
TENDER YOUTH x2
Kaze no manazashi ga areba 
KITTO x2
Yume wa hajimatta bakari

Mune ni ... Toi kaketa
Hageshi sawa ... mou ... Tomerare nai
Wasure ... kakete iru

Kono sora o ... Miagete
TENDER YOUTH x2
Ushinau mono no yori tsuyoku
MOTTO x2
Dakishimeru ude ga hoshii
TENDER YOUTH x2
Furi muiteru toki ja nai
KITTO x2
Yume wa hajimatta bakari
TENDER YOUTH x2
Kokoro oto jikome nai de
MOTTO x2
Tsutae au koe ga hoshii
TENDER YOUTH x2
Furi muiteru toki ja nai
KITTO x2
Yume wa hajimatta bakari


Anzen Chitai - 情熱 (Jounetsu)

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Soul of My Soul.

It's been 3 days since I got the news.

I'm gonna be a dad.

Surreal. Exciting. Nervous. Scared. Happy.

Those are the words that roughly describes what I feel at this moment. Coming up to our 4th year of marriage, it was big news. Ever since last year, there have been so many trials for me and my wife. Both personally and socially.

But that is life. More over, it's about growing up. Way of thinking most of it.

I'm gonna be a dad.

That sentence has been playing in my head over and over.

Before getting the news, my wife asked me a simple question,'Why do you want children?'.

I answered with all the usual answers, wanting to continue the bloodline...my legacy etc.

She said, 'that's it?'

I was quiet and thought about it...my answer rang hollow. And I told her the truth...

I wanted a child because...I wanted to know how it feels to be a dad. To have a child look to you and knowing that you'll do anything in your power to give the best in life. To have small hands tugging at your shirt to get attention. To have a little voice calling me, 'Daddy'...

It sounds so simple. But in truth, it's something I want deep inside.

I'm already blessed with a beautiful wife who loves me wholeheartedly.

I never complain that I don't have enough, I know God is great and He gives us the things we wish and want when He thinks it's the best. So I have faith in Him.

Alhamdulillah. I can only thank Him for the gift He's given me and my wife. A treasure.

Our child is still in it's early stages, and I hope...that he/she will grow strong and healthy. I do hope that he/she is just as eager to come out to the world to meet his/her parents. We have so much love to give...

I pray for my unborn child a safe journey for the next 9 months. It's journey to meet us is still far...and during that journey, we can prepare ourselves to be parents in mind, body and spirit.

For when this child comes to meet us...we'll be ready.

Soul of my soul. Child of my heart.

Counting the days.

My Last Post Was in April...

Yes...and now it's October...5 days after my birthday. So? Sue me.

Actually, I didn't intend to post anything. I could use this time to do my thesis. Yes. The dreadful thesis that is supposed to give me my masters degree. I'm still at it. Lol.

Not that nothing has happened in the past few months. A lot happened. Went to Tioman. Had our second anniversary there. Then there was our first faculty family day. Yeah and a bunch more. But it didn't actually prompted me to write about it. I guess I was happy.

Until recently.

More specifically last Tuesday. Morning.

I was in class when I received a call from my mother. Apparently my brother called her to ask to pick him up. I saw the time, and it was way too early to be going back. And I found out the reason. Now I can't go into details, due to certain reasons. So let's just skip to what actually happened.

Deciding that I need to talk to the class that belonged to my brother, I thought that...'hey, maybe I can make a change and do some good'...So I went in. Talked. Motivated. Advised. And a whole bunch of other things to boost up morale of this so called class.

An hour plus passed.

I told them to go upstairs together. To apologize and make amends to their teacher, hoping that it would not let the situation go sore.

As I left the class, I felt like I did right. I felt like I gave these kids something. Hope.

I was wrong. Dead wrong.

Upon reaching my own class, I looked out the window and saw most of the class...leaving. Yes. After all the motivational speech I gave, it was nothing. To them I was NOTHING. Then I remembered one of them actually fell ASLEEP while I was talking. Yes. Without any cover, the moron actually SLEPT!!

But the pain was more in the heart. I was heartbroken. I found out, that only two out of the whole group actually went up to the staff room to see their lecturer.

Only two.

At that time, I looked at myself. And I wondered. What am I doing? Why am I here? Why do I teach? Why do I even care for these people?

Why?

I went to class. Heartbroken. Demotivated. It was as though my whole heart was taken out and thrown to the floor. I can't seem to understand why do these kids do what they do. Do they not want to be someone one day?

Being an Art n Design student is a privilege. Do they not see this? It is a gift.

In the next few days, my mind was tired. My heart felt heavy. After 5 years of teaching...I felt tired. It's as though fatigue finally came to me. Pulling me down slowly. I was looking for a reason, something to keep me as I am. To make me believe what I do today is worth something.

God is Almighty. The past few days, people who I care...be it students and friends came to my aid. My ex-students dropped by to say hello. My friends kept my spirits up by cracking jokes and making me feel good. My mother, comforting me with her praises and words of wisdom. And my wife...my lovely wife kept her spirits up and telling me that reaching to one student, and making them see the light...is more than enough.

Yes. I do feel much better now...

But I would truly feel better if it was my own flesh and blood that I reached.

The Spirit of Friendship

Friends. Everybody has them right? No matter how alone you feel, there will always be this person or people whom you call friends.

Why am I writing about this? Purely simple, to celebrate my friends. And the funny ways we all meet up and get to know each other.

Along the way, I've met up with a lot of people...and there are so many characters, which made my life as colorful.

For example, this buddy of mine Reza. I met him many years ago. I sold him a Transformer toy (specifically Alternator Optimus Prime). That first meeting was casual business and the second time was due to repaint job he wanted me to do. We kept contact when he went to study abroad and I guess from there we became really good friends until today. A riot all the time (and the one guy that could pull of a joke with a straight face) but a friend that I can trust. Now, he's a new dad and I know his kid will grow up with lots of laughs...and toys. From a total stranger to one of my most trusted buddies.

That brings me to another strange yet funny story about how I met my friends Hanan and Alan. It all started many months which actually was years that we have crossed paths. Wha? You might be asking...hold on, I'll get there soon.

I usually frequent a shop in E@Cure (formerly known Cineleisure). The shop sells model kits and some toys. And this one time I met this guy who was holding a Macross Frontier model kit, upon seeing this...I was compelled to talk to this total stranger. Honestly until today I'm still asking, why I talked to this him. I just told him that the kit he was buying was an awesome kit (since I had one myself) and he should get it. So we talked a bit and I left without knowing the identity of this person (in Hanan's version, as soon as he turned to look at me again, I disappeared...like a toy angel...which I think was kinda cool).

Fast forward a few months later, my wife said that there was a friend of her brother's who wants to add her as a friend on Facebook. The reason was he read a note my wife wrote titled ' Why I Think My Husband's Hobby of Building Model Kits is Sexy' (which can be read here) and he saw this pic of a man in a t-shirt and 'kain pelikat' with a HALO helmet. He saw the name of this man 'ryukaze' and he wanted to get to know this guy since he has heard of him before. So adding him to my list of friends we got to talking and got to know each other.

Then I had a kit to sell, and this new friend of mine...Hanan messaged that he was interested to buy it from me. After meeting him and hanging out then it CLICKED! This was the the same guy I met many months ago which I gave some divine advice (wahahahaha). How'd that happened, and my wife was also the sister of his classmate!! Now the world is small right? The best thing is his wife clicked with my wife as well and became really good friends (they both love design, Raiha is an actual interior designer and my wife an actual graphic designer...and they both love furniture). From there on, we hung out a lot and it's become something of a ritual to at least meet up once a week for a movie and drinks. Heck...we love their kids (Emir, Sofea and little Umar) as well!

Now, there was one time we agreed to meet up at Amcorp mall. As soon as I got there, a Chinese fella and his wife was sitting with Hanan and Raiha (which until today I think has the coolest name...heh). Hanan introduced this fella as Alan and his wife Catherine. And here I found out that this was THE Alan that repainted a most excellent Transformers Movie Megatron which always caught my eye at MySciFi Outpost in Cineleisure (see how that place pops up again). He's worked with Hanan a lot of times, and Alan had heard of me before...so we both knew each other by reputation. And not to forget he and Catherine has the most adorable hyper military trained kid Kenji!

After that we'd meet up once in awhile and somehow little stories start popping out and in a way, each one of us has crossed paths with one another. For example, I found out later that Hanan used to hang out at this mamak in Cheras called Nellies during the same time that I hung out there with Traffic Magazine. And another crazy thing, he even visited my office once!! And in Alan's case, my wife has seen him on tv before and I think there were a few times I bumped into him when he was working at Outpost.

And now, I can say that how we met up to become friends was like a strange big loop. I guess things happen for a reason. What if I didn't talk to the stranger at that shop? What if I never got myself in the repaint business...

But what I can say, that I am glad and thankful to meet these fantastic individuals. Which I have regarded as more than just friends. They've become more than that, and this is what makes them great and awesome in my books. The shared interest and the things we talk about...but most importantly is how we have always respected one another and the things we do!

Cheers to all of you and hope that we will always remain great friends until whenever!

ps: this goes to all of you guys in ZeroGunz, Sembangtoys and TransMy!

The Past, The Teacher...

Actually I don't really know how to start this. I had a whole bunch of stuff I wanted to share, but I have to be careful around it. Why? It has something to do with the past. Yes.

Some of us tend to remember our past and regret them, and some rejoice what they went through. I for one have both. Hey, I'm only human right?

You see, if you've read my previous postings...my life has always been a roller coaster ride. There were really up times and seriously down low moments. But what I do remember, I just go through it. But what I really wanted to share is about relationships. I don't know the reason, but I think it has something to do with a question I asked my wife yesterday.

'What if we went to sleep and woke up the next day 15 years ago...but with all the memories of our present self?'

My wife didn't want to. She liked being where she is and who she is with.

So do I. Never would want to go through another 15 years to meet my lovable wife.

But I can't help to ponder on it. I mean there were things that I regret doing, but there were things that I did was the best times of my life. When you think about it, some would agree that they wished they were never with this or that person or never have done this and that...

I too thought that way, but then I realized that it was something that we had to go through. It was our destiny to go through with those relationships. It may have been bad, or it may have been worst, but think about it. At that time you were not who you are today.

I had my fair share of relationships, but my most serious would be the last two before I got married. I won't go into details since it might offend some people, but all I can say is that our break ups eventually lead us all to better places. I don't really know what my exes are doing now, but I know that they are doing way better and living much better. My prayers to them and hope that they will always lead a wonderful life until the end.

All I hope is that they do the same for me. Not holding any grudges and not holding anything against me for the things I've done. Forgive and forget and best wishes.

You see, at the time when we end a relationship we feel that it's the end of our own life. This is due to the routines that we do, the feeling of lost. Thinking that we're now alone and that nobody would love us the way it was.

But it isn't true. Letting go and going forward will show you that there is more than what you had before. There are more opportunities and most of all teaching us to be better.

Years before, I doubt my wife would have liked me. Heh. I was quite emotionally distraught and easily jealous. My anger management was also in disarray and not to mention do not know what to prioritize. Along the way we learn things. And after one relationship you would come out actually better than before. More alert and aware and most important, knowing what you want.

I'm more laid back now and I guess that's good.

I'm just saying that we shouldn't regret the past, but let it be our teachers. Teaching us little lessons in life to make you who you are today. And most of all, making us better human beings. I'm not saying that my lessons in life has ended, I'm still learning. Learning to be a husband, a son, a friend, an educator and later a father. And the best teacher is my past and I rejoice it, and maybe you should too...

Who else knows you more...

...than yourself?

Have you?

Have you ever fell in love and got so heartbroken that you thought life was over?
I have.

Have you had so much hope on something but were let down?
I have.

Have you ever woke up and felt like the day wasn't going to be right?
I have.

Have you ever lost someone close to you that you're still wishing that they were still there?
I have.

Have you hated someone so much that it hurts?
I have.

Have you felt like giving up on people?
I have.

but then again...

Have you ever fell in love and kept on loving this person till this very day?
I am.

Have you ever had so much hope on something and it pays off?
I have.

Have you ever woke up and be thankful to God for another day to be alive?
I am.

Have you ever lost someone and glad to have beautiful memories with that person?
I have.

Have you ever loved someone till it hurts?
I do.

Have you ever had your faith restored in people?
I have.

To have and to do these are not wrong. It is a part of life and it is a part of our being. We were created by God the Almighty to be able to choose things in life. To be able to act and react upon situations and problems given to you.

But what makes your life better is totally up to you. You are the one that makes it better or not. Because it is your life and you have only...

ONE of it.

Cherish it with love and fill it with joy.

(heh...it's just one of those days that I feel like posting something like this...no reason really, just that I'm happy to be alive...that's all...)